-Jack Handy

"If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic."

Saturday, June 28, 2008


Somebody better perk up and pay attention to me, cause I really feel something coming on here.Alright, suit yourself, but it's only a matter of time before I cough up a ball of really nasty goop.

I told you so.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Toughest Sheriff In Town

My cousin Lisa sent me this true and Laugh Out Loud piece about a real life warden from Arizona who actually had the guts to go against the grain and run a prison as it oughta be run. It was a refreshing read, if nothing else.


These are some of the reasons why: Arpaio created the 'tent city jail' to save Arizona from spending tens of millions of dollars on another expensive prison complex. He has jail meals down to 20 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them. He banned smoking and pornographic magazines in the jails, and took away their weightlifting equipment and cut off all but 'G' movies. He says: 'They're in jail to pay a debt to society, not to build muscles so they can assault innocent people when they leave.'

He started chain gangs to use the inmates to do free work on county and city projects and save taxpayer's money. Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination. He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails, so he hooked up the cable TV again but only allows the Disney Channel and the Weather Channel. When asked why the Weather Channel, he replied: 'So these morons will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs.' He cut off coffee because it has zero nutritional value and is therefore a waste of taxpayer money. When the inmates complained, he told them, 'This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back.' He also bought the Newt Gingrich lecture series on US history that he pipes into the jails. When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied 'that a democratic lecture series that actually tells the truth for a change would be welcome and that it might even explain why 95% of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.' With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record for June 2nd 2007), the Associated Press reported: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed wire surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts. On the Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing pink boxer shorts were overheard chatting in the tents, where temperatures reached 128 degrees. 'This is hell. It feels like we live in a furnace,' said Ernesto Gonzales, an inmate for 2 years with 10 more to go. 'It's inhumane.' Joe Arpaio, who makes his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic.

'Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for parole, only to go out and commit more crimes so they can come back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things many taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.' The same day he told all the inmates who were complaining of the heat in the tents: 'It's between 120 to 130 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to walk all day in the sun wearing full battle gear and get shot at, and they have not committed any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!'

Word is, he was a Mitt Romney supporter for president


Morgan woke up on Sunday June 16th temporarily forgetting that he finally qualified as a recipient of Father's Day. Steph and Keira had a handfull of gifts ready and he anxiously ripped open the paper in bed before church. He recieved some fly shorts he'd been wanting from American Eagle, along with a slick Polo and a book about play-by-play icon Jim Nance. A huge breakfast was also made to celebrate his first very special day devoted entirely to fatherhood. One of Morgan's high school friends Steve Mac also gave him a call to wish him a happy Papa's Day. Memorable.

Bubble Up, Girl!
Keira had her first set of shots today. Morgan held her down while Steph clenched her teeth in the background. And though the shots themselves were no doubt a boatload of pain, she was right back to her angelic self no longer than 5 minutes later. Tough as nails!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008



Steph and Keira got invited to attend our neighbor John's 95th birthday party. John dressed up in his nicest suit and tie for the big occassion down in The Plaza's clubhouse and family from all over the midwest were there to celebrate with him. Keira was the hit of the party though, being passed around left and right like fancy artifacts at a 3rd grader's show-and-tell. And she worked the crowd with a performance that even took Stephanie by surprise, just cooing and making cute sounds for all the ladies to see and hear. Everybody in the room wanted a baby at that point, but once Steph brought her back up the apartment, she was reminded that it was all an act cause the baby immediately started balling

The sun don't even phaze me yo. I'm just straight chill'n with daddy in me fancy duds and a wacked hat, so back up off my ghetto grill. Let me break it down for ya'll. This crib out here in Jop Town is dope. Now I'm gonna go get me a diaper dizzle with my mommy-mo-mizzle. Word.

Lost in the LOVE SAC. Just to give you an idea how absolutely ginormous the love sac is, Keira is like a single grain of sand on an island beach. If we dressed her in black, you may not even know she was there

Tuesday, June 3, 2008


I sense a belly burp is coming your way

Monday, June 2, 2008

Grandma Grandpa Vance Arrive

Baby holds bottle on her own for 1st time. One of her many sweetacious tricks

Grandpa telling Keira about the horses back at the ranch in California

Lady in Red lights up for Grandma and Granpa Vance who were in the middle of their trip across America. They drove over 3,000 miles just to see these infamous cheeks